I Won't Be The Deer

I want this to work so badly that I've told myself there's no way it won't. Which is dangerous. Because the reality of the situation is that we may not be able to find her. And if we find her she may not agree to meet with us. And even if we find her and she agrees to meet with us she may not be able to physically get to a meeting. And if we do find a way to all be together in the same place at the same time, how will I keep my head/mind/soul/entire being from just collapsing and looking on silently in awe of the woman who made us a family. Just like the last time. I don't want it to be like the last time. This time I want to ask the questions I intend to ask rather than letting my heart crumble and deteriorate into a replica of a deer in headlights. Though there's no way to to prevent heart crumbling in these sorts of matters, so maybe I could just shoot for not being the deer. Oh if only, if only we could get to that point where I'd have to put forth the effort to not be the deer. If only there would be a "this time".

"This time" actually stands a chance of happening. We've reached out to multiple contacts and people seem to be willing to help. And even if "this time" doesn't happen, at least we'll have the experience of enjoying Ethiopia. But I really want "this time" to happen. Really really really. And when it does, I promise not to be the deer.