January 27, 2011

I Won't Be The Deer

I want this to work so badly that I've told myself there's no way it won't. Which is dangerous. Because the reality of the situation is that we may not be able to find her. And if we find her she may not agree to meet with us. And even if we find her and she agrees to meet with us she may not be able to physically get to a meeting. And if we do find a way to all be together in the same place at the same time, how will I keep my head/mind/soul/entire being from just collapsing and looking on silently in awe of the woman who made us a family. Just like the last time. I don't want it to be like the last time. This time I want to ask the questions I intend to ask rather than letting my heart crumble and deteriorate into a replica of a deer in headlights. Though there's no way to to prevent heart crumbling in these sorts of matters, so maybe I could just shoot for not being the deer. Oh if only, if only we could get to that point where I'd have to put forth the effort to not be the deer. If only there would be a "this time".

"This time" actually stands a chance of happening. We've reached out to multiple contacts and people seem to be willing to help. And even if "this time" doesn't happen, at least we'll have the experience of enjoying Ethiopia. But I really want "this time" to happen. Really really really. And when it does, I promise not to be the deer.

6 comments:

kn said...

When do you go?

I hope you get to see her. I cannot imagine how not to crumble. It's a good goal to have.

Christine said...

I hope this time turns out exactly as you would like it to be. Love the pics.

Jill said...

I was the deer. Totally. It sucked and left me with all kinds of regrets. I totally built a wall around me and it took a long time to tear that down. I want to go back but I'm unsure I can do it without my wall. Hugs to you!

PC said...

It will happen because you all want it to...where are the pics from?

Mary said...

Having been the deer (and now kicking myself for all the things I wanted to know and didn't have the guts to ask), I wish I'd had your determination. Hoping so much it works out for all of you.

Katy said...

I was a weeping, sobbing deer the first time and a weeping sobbing deer the second time, despite my preparedness and resolve not to be a deer. I am excited for you. I'm so happy I went back. Deerishness and all.