July 20, 2008


Innocence is a sleepy boy in his papa's arms

And innocence is his uncontrollable laughter that makes you want to find ways to extend lunch out because he is just so wonderful

Lastly, innocence is the ah-ha moment experienced when you leave your son for the first time and are able to process everything that has happened over the past year within a few moments. It was a spur of the moment decision but shed many moments of light on areas we need to focus on over the next few weeks.

It went kind of like this:

Me: "Mom, dad, would you mind feeding him dinner and keeping him happy for a couple hours while we go buy a new washing machine and grab some dinner?"

My Mom: (After overcoming the shock that we were actually going to hand him over to her for a while) "Go honey, just go."

Me: (After realizing that I would actually have to let go...) "Are you sure? Let's go upstairs so that I can walk you through the gDiaper process. And here's how you open a jar of spaghetti loops. And here is where we keep his fruit cups."

My Mom: "Really Jo, just go, he'll be fine."

Me: "I know. but still..."

Then we did it. We left the house with our son awake and playing with grandma and grandpa and we went to buy a washing machine. And then we went to dinner. And when we came home, he was still breathing. And then we cuddled him extra long before going to sleep, just because.

We have areas of concern. He latched on to my dad while we were gone much like he tolerates most men that he meets. He has yet to do this with any female. And why would he? He spent 11 months with his mother, 2 months with wonderful nannies, and a mere 6 weeks with us. Every female he's ever known has left him. His mom, the nannies, and as far as he knows...me. He's never had a consistent male in his life who has left him. To him, Mike is permanent, I am replaceable.

We're going to keep working on this. It's clear that he knows that Mike and I are both currently significant parts of his life. We just need to continue to solidify the fact that we're not only significant, but permanent, and not going anywhere - ever.

Innocence is a good thing that can be all too transparent in the most inconvenient of times. I wish my little love could just see me as his mommy instead of a caring woman passing through. And I will absolutely treasure the moment when he realizes I'm never leaving. EVER. That moment of innocence will be celebrated. Soon, hopefully.


Anonymous said...

Another first, congratulations. I'll bet there's not a parent out there who wasn't freaked the first (or maybe even more) time(s) they left their child. That's what makes this job so hard, preparing him to function in a world of "others". I gave you big points for doing this so quickly. Mom C

Cloverland Farm said...

hang in there. i bet there'll be a time when you'll be all he wants. he will "get it". I have no doubt.

Anonymous said...

I read this online right after I read your comments on wishing Ashton knew how much you love him. It brought tears to my eyes and although you think Ashton may not be sure right now how important you are to him, the day will come when all those doubts and questions go away.
Aunt Carol

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the
refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned
that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me
and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that
there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a
friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of
each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to
help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something
should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and
everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your
responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would
have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I
learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be
everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I
need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,
"Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

Anonymous said...

I've thought about this all day and I agree with the thoughts on this page and because I have too much testosterone I have to try to "fix" ...so my theory is this: Ashton loves you with all his heart and soul. His face would not light up when he sees you, nor would he fall asleep in your arms if this wasn't true. As he experieinces you coming and going and coming back again over and over during the next few months he'll understand women can in deed be trusted. He just needs to see and feel this behavior to create an understanding and expectation. Love PC

Anonymous said...

He has also learned to love from women. And now his life has expanded to learn that there are men and they can love too...g Aunt kathy

courtney rose said...

I read this post and felt lots of different things- out of all of them, the one I felt the most was amazement. I felt amazed by how eloquently you can put words into what you are feeling right now.

You are doing a beautiful job, Jo.