May 16, 2008

Could Be, But Don't Want To Be

We could be being strong about the fact that we may or may not have made it through court today and won't even know if court took place until Monday, but to be honest, we don't really want to be strong right now. We want to be at home, with his picture, maybe in the dark maybe not, just not thinking about the many ways that we should or could "appear strong". Because we don't feel strong right now. We feel helpless and we feel selfish for feeling helpless and honestly just want to get an email tomorrow morning from someone in Ethiopia who happens to have email access informing us that court actually happened, and that it went well.

There are so many times throughout the process where I think adoptive parents have to assume the appearance of being strong. Whether it be waiting on your acceptance into the program with an agency, waiting on your approved home study, waiting on your I-171H, waiting on confirmation that your dossier actually made it from St. Louis to Washington D.C. to Ethiopia, waiting on a referral to waiting on a court date to waiting on confirmation of a successful court date (which could take 2, 3, or 4+ tries) to waiting on confirmation of a visa appointment for travel...My goodness the waiting and need to be strong at all times is just never ending. And please, lets just remove the line "it will all be worth it in the end" from anyone's vocabulary. Because honestly, do you really think we're thinking of bailing? Trust me, we know it will be worth it, and we're IN THIS.

So for now, at least for the few remaining hours of tonight, we're not going to be strong about this. We're going to wish that today had gone according to plan and try and convince the knots in our stomachs to just go away. And then we're going to wake up tomorrow morning and it's all going to be better. We're going to plant in our garden and imagine Ash plucking tomatoes from the vines this summer. We're going to rearrange our work travel plans for next week so that we will be in the same state (hopefully NY) when we receive news of how/if court proceeded today. And then we'll be strong. We could be strong now, but we don't really want to be. Sometimes it's OK to just not be happy about how a day went.


Annie said...

Did you realize that I stalk your blog?? ;) You wrote it so well and I feel your sadness....and no, you don't HAVE to be strong....and I hear you on not wanting to hear: "It will be worth it". Jo and Mike, don't be strong this what you need to do to get through! Go cuddle and cry on each other's shoulders. I'm thinking and praying for you. Really, I am!! hugs to you--

Irenic Seeker Mama said...

Thinking of you! I can only relate from having to wait one night and that was a long night/day, so do whatever you must to get through this weekend - Hugs to you,

Brooke said...

You really hit the nail on the head with this post. Appearing strong is what adoptive parents do most. Sometimes we really are as strong as we seem, other times what people don't know is that we cry in our bedroom floors for what ever reason.

I appreciate your honesty.


Anonymous said...

Hey guys~iam Annie's big sister & will be traveling to Ethiopia with her & i just had to comment on your blog!!! how true it is!! i am feeling the frustration of this journey & i am not even the one adopting, just travelling!! it's like hurry up & wait!! i feel your pain & frustration but know that it is okay to just not want to be strong & to want to SCREAM!! do it!!!! thoughts & prayers with you both for GREAT NEWS SOON!!! Liz